“The heart wants, what the heart wants……..and my heart doesn’t want you.” 

Hello frogblog followers‼  Many apologies for being so remiss in my posting.  It has been a crazy time of year with work travel, and trying to enjoy the summer, unfortunately – I haven’t taken a lot of time to write.  However, that doesn’t mean I haven’t taken a TON of time to think, reflect, and try to figure out the crazy dating life of yours truly!

So – let’s start at the top.  The words I kicked off my blog with were said to me, no actually they were typed in an e-mail to me, by a man (boy), I gave way too many years of my life to.  It was his very lame attempt to end a five year, on again/off again relationship – and those words absolutely cut to the core.  However – in his half ass defense (not for his mode of delivery, but for having the guts to speak from his heart), no truer words have been stated.  We can’t always control how we feel about a person, why we like someone, don’t like someone, chose to make someone a priority or not, etc.  If relationships were easy – everyone would be in love, and nobody would break up, get divorced, or have to blog about their crazy dating antics, now would they??  🙂

In getting inside of my brain, and trying to reflect on my past relationships, what makes me happy, what I am looking for, etc., I remember a very dear friend of mine tell me that a guy I fell head over heels for – tell her that “on paper”, I was everything he was looking for, but the feelings weren’t strong enough to continue a relationship with me.”  That HURT LIKE HELL to hear, and sucked even more to accept – but I know now there is merit and value in that school of thought.  Had he have stayed with me simply because I was good on paper, and I checked all of the boxes – he would have been miserable.  Now, he is planning a wedding with the woman he loves, shares his life and children with, and truly makes him happy.  Transparency and honesty with the one you are dating, and more importantly with one’s self – is key to finding what it is that makes us joyful in all aspects of life.  I have met a few wonderful men in recent memory, that “on paper” are everything I have said I wanted and needed in my life.  Yet – there are no butterflies, there is no excitement or joy in seeing the person, and I feel like I am trying to stick a square peg in a round hole, simply to check a box, and “make it work.”   When I would rather be spending time with friends, or simply being alone – I know in my heart that it isn’t right. 

In full disclosure, I have casually been hanging out with someone for the past several months.  It isn’t traditional, nor is it a “relationship” by definition.  Quite frankly – I am not really sure what it is.  It is everything I have said I didn’t want, and would never allow myself to get into again.   However – I know that he gives me butterflies when I see him, and I look forward to talking to him, spending time with him (albeit limited due to scheduling) and truly being happy in the moment, rather than stressing about the future – that clearly, I have little to no control over.  I realize that I am putting myself in a situation where I could get hurt.  Yet – I know that right now – TODAY, I enjoy the moment,  and I haven’t taken the time to enjoy the moment in a long time……..and it feels really good!

This all being said, my membership on Match has not yet expired, and since OK Cupid is free – I have experienced some great people watching out there‼  The first thing that I have noticed – and I realize that none of us are getting any younger, but there are a HELL OF A LOT of bald men out there.  TONS‼  We all have the things that we are and aren’t attracted to – and a man WITH hair is something I find attractive……..apparently, all bald men are attracted to me!   Another thing I find to be interesting with being on- line is how men choose to communicate.   I read every e-mail that I receive.  Every single one – because in most cases, they are HILARIOUS‼  I would venture to say that in the four plus years that I have been dabbling in on-line dating, I have responded to less than 5% of their e-mails.  One would assume that if a response is not received – there may not be interest from the other side.  OH, HELL NO‼  I am truly amazed at how many people think if they don’t get an initial response, and they send 27 more e-mails talking about their fish, kayak, sports car, or golf game – I may one day respond with interest.  What I find more amazing, is when in an attempt to get them to stop – and send a nice e-mail saying that I am not interested – I get cussed out for “not knowing what I am missing”……….thanks random stranger – but I will take a pass!!  Finally – I have been told I don’t look like your traditional 45 year old (I will leave that for you to decide), but why in the hell does  someone between the ages of 18 and 25 want me??  SERIOUSLY????  Please stop telling me age is just a number, and you are more mature than most people your age, and you are ready for a serious relationship!  JUST STOP!  If I am old enough to be your mother – you are looking for a score in bed so you can tell all of your friends about the Ashton/Demi moment you had!  I am not remotely interested in having a Mrs. Robinson story talked about around the frat house – UGH‼

So – there you have it.   A little summer flavor of my life.  It is far from perfect, and who knows what tomorrow will bring.  All I know is life is an adventure, and it is what you make of it!  Relationships come in all different shapes and sizes, and what I thought I  “wanted on paper” may not be what I am living……..but for today, as I pen this post – I do it with a smile on my face.  Right now – that is all I can hope for!  Until next time,  I continue to be,

 Cynically, Optimistic………………………  

When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life.  When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up.  I wrote down ‘happy’.  They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life. –John Lennon