So – many of you know I am a theater geek at heart. The first day I stepped on the boards, I realized that it was not only an awesome performance outlet – it was a way for me to lose myself on stage, and at times, a way to live out my personal reality through a character that I played. Sadly – many times the audience was seeing a very raw, emotional portrayal of what they thought was “acting” – but rather is was just me bringing out many of my life’s experiences under the shroud of an on-stage identity! This being said, please indulge some of my silly theater references as I pen this post.

When I last blogged to everyone – I was in a “relationship” with a man I was crazy about. There was no definition, no pressure, no agenda……..and apparently, no commitment to me from him. I was blindly blissful in taking everything day by day, and seeing what happened. I was beyond happy when we were together, and at that moment in time – that was all that mattered. Unfortunately – the last few weeks, the signs were all there that he was pulling away and making himself less available. Trying to not be the “clingy/needy” one – I let it happen, and asked very few questions. So much so……..on a night that he was supposed to be out of town visiting family, he was caught by a dear friend of mine out in Baltimore, with another woman. Suffice it to say – his definition of casual, and my definition of casual were not the same at ALL!!

Unfortunately – that relationship is no more, and it makes me sad on so many levels. I truly miss the friendship with him that was formed in getting to the “relationship”. I am sure that if you asked him – he would say “absolutely we are still friends” and nothing has really changed other than the daily communication, and the physical component that comes with dating someone. I would really like to believe that. However, in the four weeks since this happened, he has never contacted me. I have not reached out to him (other than once, and the conversation was brief and confusing). How do you approach someone who says they love you……YES – he uttered the words “I LOVE YOU” one weekend (to which I responded the same – because I truly meant it), and two weekends later, he is out with someone else, and is not to be heard from again. Something got lost in translation on this one, and I am not exactly sure what happened, other than I am hurt, sad and confused to say the least.

There are many questions I have, and there are many things that will haunt me about what happened – but I will never forget all the good that came from it. He was the first man in years that truly made me feel like I was “good enough” for him (at least when we were together). He made me smile until my face hurt. He allowed me to feel comfortable in my own skin, with no insecurity! He made me step out of my comfort zone and try things that life had to offer– that I would never have known had we not have met. Those feelings of complete happiness and joy in a relationship are amazing gifts that I will hold close to my heart always!

This all being said – I am broken-hearted that it ended, but I knew it was a very strong possibility when it began due to his fear of commitment. However – I have learned a lot about what I am looking for (not on paper, but in reality), and I have also learned a LOT about myself through this process. Although, it wasn’t the ending I had hoped for – I know that I have learned a lot, and will only grow from it!

Back to my theater reference – I am a huge fan of shows that have real meaning, and real characters! When I went to see Wicked for the first time, I was immediately drawn to the role of Elphaba. Most fall in love with Glenda. She is the good, sweet, pretty witch. Elphaba is the misunderstood witch. She is different from everyone. She is green, wears all black, socially awkward and feisty as hell – not your typical fairytale witch. She has a heart of gold, but is viewed by many (most importantly men) as un-lovable. The finale of Act 1 contains a song called “Defy Gravity”. This song has since become my anthem both in dating, and in life. The words that stuck out to me the most when I heard this song for the first time were:

“I’m through accepting limits
‘cause someone says there so
some things I cannot change
but til I try, I’ll never know.

Too long I’ve been afraid of
losing love I guess I’ve lost
well if that’s love,
it comes at much too high a cost……….”

Does this mean that I am un-lovable – I guess that depends on others to decide. Does that mean I won’t love again…..HELL NO!! I absolutely without a doubt thrive in an environment filled with love. That comes in all shapes and sizes. Family, friendship, relationships, etc. The feeling of being in love with someone/something is the best adrenalin rush there is!
So – I guess I am back out there again. However – this time it is different from my recent dating adventures! My match.com membership expired last week (I did not re-join), I felt compelled to explore what was out there in the few weeks I had remaining, once the relationship ended. Although I am not really ready, or interested in exploring a relationship right now – I figured I would use it as practice for when I am. A man e-mailed me who on paper seemed very nice. Handsome, divorced, one child, good job…….you know, on a dating site – that seems like a great catch!

We agreed to meet in Bethesda for dinner (that is the midway point for both of us). We started with a drink and the obligatory “get to know you” portion of any on-line dating first date. Once we both felt the other was “normal” – we walked somewhere close to grab dinner. On the walk to dinner, I shit you not – he asked me this question……”Since you don’t have children, what exactly is it that you do with all of your free time??” I could not believe those words came out of another human’s mouth! I was floored! SERIOUSLY??????

We went to a wine bar/tapas place for dinner, and starting to chat some more. I was trying to chalk up that previous conversation as male stupidity/foot in mouth moment, and see how the rest of the evening went. Well – at dinner he proceeded to tell me that every night he is not with his son, he is out on a date, and that he is looking for the “one”. Apparently – I was on an interview, and at this point – I didn’t even care if I “got the job”. He asked if we could split the tab for dinner – the voluminous dates he goes on are clearly putting a strain on his wallet. I can’t believe that he actually asked me to split the check for a date he asked ME out on.

The evening ended shortly after that, and he asked if he could see me again. I am terrible as saying “no” in those situations – so I said “we will figure it out’, knowing a second date would probably never happen. He text me the next morning asking for my availability for date number two. When I explained to him that my next several weekends were crazy with work and personal travel that had been scheduled months prior – I was told that I wasn’t making enough time for him, and how in the hell can we have a relationship if I am putting everything else in front of him.

Suffice it to say – there will be no second date. Yet – I took something from that experience that circled back to my summer relationship. You make time for those you want to be with. I quickly learned over the summer that I was not a priority in that man’s life. When we were together – it was awesome! He made me feel like I was the most important person on the planet. Unfortunately – I played second, third and fourth fiddle to friends, his roommate, the gym, etc….. far too many times. I made excuses for him, because I truly wanted to believe that he cared and wanted to be with me. The reality is – I WAS NOT A PRIORITY!!!
To the guy in Bethesda – he was right, after a first date – he is not a priority. To be honest, as I approach my 46th birthday in a few days – my priority right now is to take care of ME!
Trust me, I want a loving relationship more than anything. However – I want it to be a healthy one! I know they are possible because I have very dear friends who have them. That being said – until I find myself in that type of relationship (and it will have to be found organically – because I am taking a break from the on-line world of dating) – I am happy living the life that I have in the moment.

I have amazing friends that remind me everyday that being the feisty, awkward, un-lovable, green witch with a heart of gold is not a bad thing! Elphaba ultimately found a man who loved her completely and honestly! It may take longer to find what I am looking for, and in turn – what is looking for me. Yet – when it happens, my relationship will defy any level of gravity this world has to throw at it! Until next time, I continue to be,

Cynically, Optimistic……..

“The heart wants, what the heart wants……..and my heart doesn’t want you.” 

Hello frogblog followers‼  Many apologies for being so remiss in my posting.  It has been a crazy time of year with work travel, and trying to enjoy the summer, unfortunately – I haven’t taken a lot of time to write.  However, that doesn’t mean I haven’t taken a TON of time to think, reflect, and try to figure out the crazy dating life of yours truly!

So – let’s start at the top.  The words I kicked off my blog with were said to me, no actually they were typed in an e-mail to me, by a man (boy), I gave way too many years of my life to.  It was his very lame attempt to end a five year, on again/off again relationship – and those words absolutely cut to the core.  However – in his half ass defense (not for his mode of delivery, but for having the guts to speak from his heart), no truer words have been stated.  We can’t always control how we feel about a person, why we like someone, don’t like someone, chose to make someone a priority or not, etc.  If relationships were easy – everyone would be in love, and nobody would break up, get divorced, or have to blog about their crazy dating antics, now would they??  🙂

In getting inside of my brain, and trying to reflect on my past relationships, what makes me happy, what I am looking for, etc., I remember a very dear friend of mine tell me that a guy I fell head over heels for – tell her that “on paper”, I was everything he was looking for, but the feelings weren’t strong enough to continue a relationship with me.”  That HURT LIKE HELL to hear, and sucked even more to accept – but I know now there is merit and value in that school of thought.  Had he have stayed with me simply because I was good on paper, and I checked all of the boxes – he would have been miserable.  Now, he is planning a wedding with the woman he loves, shares his life and children with, and truly makes him happy.  Transparency and honesty with the one you are dating, and more importantly with one’s self – is key to finding what it is that makes us joyful in all aspects of life.  I have met a few wonderful men in recent memory, that “on paper” are everything I have said I wanted and needed in my life.  Yet – there are no butterflies, there is no excitement or joy in seeing the person, and I feel like I am trying to stick a square peg in a round hole, simply to check a box, and “make it work.”   When I would rather be spending time with friends, or simply being alone – I know in my heart that it isn’t right. 

In full disclosure, I have casually been hanging out with someone for the past several months.  It isn’t traditional, nor is it a “relationship” by definition.  Quite frankly – I am not really sure what it is.  It is everything I have said I didn’t want, and would never allow myself to get into again.   However – I know that he gives me butterflies when I see him, and I look forward to talking to him, spending time with him (albeit limited due to scheduling) and truly being happy in the moment, rather than stressing about the future – that clearly, I have little to no control over.  I realize that I am putting myself in a situation where I could get hurt.  Yet – I know that right now – TODAY, I enjoy the moment,  and I haven’t taken the time to enjoy the moment in a long time……..and it feels really good!

This all being said, my membership on Match has not yet expired, and since OK Cupid is free – I have experienced some great people watching out there‼  The first thing that I have noticed – and I realize that none of us are getting any younger, but there are a HELL OF A LOT of bald men out there.  TONS‼  We all have the things that we are and aren’t attracted to – and a man WITH hair is something I find attractive……..apparently, all bald men are attracted to me!   Another thing I find to be interesting with being on- line is how men choose to communicate.   I read every e-mail that I receive.  Every single one – because in most cases, they are HILARIOUS‼  I would venture to say that in the four plus years that I have been dabbling in on-line dating, I have responded to less than 5% of their e-mails.  One would assume that if a response is not received – there may not be interest from the other side.  OH, HELL NO‼  I am truly amazed at how many people think if they don’t get an initial response, and they send 27 more e-mails talking about their fish, kayak, sports car, or golf game – I may one day respond with interest.  What I find more amazing, is when in an attempt to get them to stop – and send a nice e-mail saying that I am not interested – I get cussed out for “not knowing what I am missing”……….thanks random stranger – but I will take a pass!!  Finally – I have been told I don’t look like your traditional 45 year old (I will leave that for you to decide), but why in the hell does  someone between the ages of 18 and 25 want me??  SERIOUSLY????  Please stop telling me age is just a number, and you are more mature than most people your age, and you are ready for a serious relationship!  JUST STOP!  If I am old enough to be your mother – you are looking for a score in bed so you can tell all of your friends about the Ashton/Demi moment you had!  I am not remotely interested in having a Mrs. Robinson story talked about around the frat house – UGH‼

So – there you have it.   A little summer flavor of my life.  It is far from perfect, and who knows what tomorrow will bring.  All I know is life is an adventure, and it is what you make of it!  Relationships come in all different shapes and sizes, and what I thought I  “wanted on paper” may not be what I am living……..but for today, as I pen this post – I do it with a smile on my face.  Right now – that is all I can hope for!  Until next time,  I continue to be,

 Cynically, Optimistic………………………  

When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life.  When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up.  I wrote down ‘happy’.  They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life. –John Lennon

So – I have made the much-anticipated decision that I have been avoiding (aka – dreading) for months, and I am going back on Match.com. After taking a break from dating, and trying to figure out what I want, need and am willing to compromise in a relationship – I realized that the man of my dreams wasn’t going to magically appear on my doorstep, so I have to at least put myself out there. 

As many of you know – I have a fair amount of cynicism, and lack of trust when it comes to dating, as I have been lied to, cheated on and played for a fool, more times than I care to count. However – I have said before, the responsibility falls on me, and I need to take accountability and ownership of my own life (dating or otherwise). Since I don’t do the typical bar scene, and my friends don’t have single guy friends they can introduce me to – I am not really sure how else to meet people. Thus – let the on-line dating shenanigans commence!!

I have been back on-line for less than a week, and I can already tell that I need to take a deep breath and not get too far ahead of myself yet. The same cast of characters that have been on for years are still out there:

• The ex, who said he doesn’t want a relationship, yet keeps breaking hearts on match
• The guy who I went out with that admitted on our first (and only) date that he engaged in a threesome ultimately causing his divorce (see past blog for the full story)
• The guy who I had to block because in his eyes “I am not interested in you” means “please e-mail me over and over asking me out”
• The guy that was WAY shorter than me, lived 3 hours away and called me “lady” in his e-mail while trying to get my attention
• The 75 year old that is married, but his wife can’t have sex – so he is looking for a “partner in bed”

The list goes on and on and on and on. Additionally – in the short timeframe that I have been back on, some interesting new characters have approached me:

• The guy who openly admits in an e-mail to me that he is looking for no more than a good time……with me, and many other women
• The guy that lives in Tennessee – but thinks we have enough in common on paper to make our long distance love affair work
• The 82 year-old man that thinks that age is just a number, and I should really give him a chance
• The 18 year old who said when I didn’t respond to his advances, that I must be too prissy to be “up for the challenge”
• The guy from Europe that told me in an e-mail I was delicious……..huh??

And the weirdest one of all……….

• The woman from Texas who didn’t want to offend me by asking if I was bi-sexual, or bi-curious – but asked anyway!!! Um, for the record…..HELL NO!!

This all being said – I am also convinced that every man that is on-line is “currently separated” rather than legally divorced! Seriously?? It is a proven statistic in my life that this doesn’t work for me. I am open minded – but tired of being rebound girl, or nothing more than an experiment post split!

Yet – anything in life that is worth having, is worth taking a risk for – so, let the adventure begin. I have yet to determine whether I am truly getting back on the horse, or entering into a little slice of hell – but only time will tell, and lord knows, the more time I have, the more stories I have – lucky you 🙂

Onward and upward, as I am sure this new adventure will provide tons of new content. Until next time – I continue to be,

Cynically, Optimistic………….

Greetings, readers!!   First, let me apologize for the time between posts.  I know it has been a while, but that is because I have been doing a lot of thinking about what direction, if any I wanted to take this blog.  I posted in January about the things that I was “done with”.  That was the easy part.  Now, I have been spending a great deal of time thinking about the direction I need to take my dating life with regards to the following:

• Owning my actions
• Managing expectations
• Communication regarding what I need/want
• Trusting the process/person
• Walking away when it isn’t right

All of these make up the difficult part.  It is very easy to know what one expects out of a situation, but actually executing on those actions are far more challenging than I expected.  Also – I promised at the beginning I would be raw, biting and candid with my experiences.  I want to stay true to that without losing the humor I intended these blog to possess.

However, writing this post has come with great angst, as I constantly worry about how my words are perceived, and how my stories are judged.  Since I have taken long enough to gain the courage to compose this in my head, I guess I should now put the words on the proverbial paper.   Please know that this wasn’t easy, as this is bringing up a past experience that left me a bit vulnerable with my words/actions this many years later.

I am going to take a little tangent from my funny dating shenanigans. Please indulge me, as the realization I am about to share has helped me understand a lot of my past dating behavior (as well as the actions that surround my friendships, professional relationships and familial interactions), and will hopefully be cathartic in my sharing.  It is a little dark and heavy – so take note.

As many of you know, I am a theater geek.  This minor “obsession” began late in life.  Unlike many of those that walk the boards, I didn’t audition for my first show until I was 25.  I was dating my first true love at the time, and he was in law school three hours away.  I was fresh out of graduate school and all my high school friends had moved away from home.  My life consisted of working during the week, and counting down the hours until Friday when I could spend the weekend with him.  As he was in school, he told me that if we were to spend time together, it would require me to make the trek to Lexington, Virginia every Friday, and return home every Sunday.  I loved this man very much, and didn’t view it as a sacrifice – rather an opportunity to spend any time with him regardless of what a toll it could be taking on me (perhaps, this is where the pattern of accepting less than stellar behavior began).

Anyway – 18 months into the routine, I saw an audition notice in our local paper for a show.  They needed trained dancers, and I had spent the better part of my life doing just that……dancing!   I needed something other than work and driving to see a boyfriend who couldn’t find the time to ever drive to see me.  Long story short – I auditioned, I was cast, and the beginning of my 15+ years on the stage began.  However – it didn’t come easy.  Rather, it came at quite a hefty price, as a conversation that happen toward the end of my very first show, I am now realizing, has dramatically altered the course of many elements of my life.

As the show was wrapping up, I was filled with the emotions of closing a show – not realizing there would be another one just around the corner.  I was convinced that I had just had one of the most amazing experiences life had to offer.  There was a young man (17 years old I believe) who lived far enough away from the theater that walking there was not easy for him.  I would pick him up every day and take him to rehearsal. Following rehearsal, I would take him home.  I never thought anything about it, aside from being a kind gesture for someone who needed some help.  In my blind oblivion of loving every minute on the stage/in rehearsals, and thinking I had just made an amazing new group of friends – I was shocked to have had a conversation with this young man – that will haunt me until the day I die.  It was this moment in time I realized that people aren’t all kind and nice, dancers can be bitter and caddy, and the words of one person can hurt more that I ever thought imaginable.

What this young man said to me on that drive to the theater was this:  He asked if I was enjoying the show.  When I told him that I was having the time I my life, and couldn’t wait for the next show to come – he quickly told me that nobody liked me (quite frankly they hated me), that it was in my best interest to chalk this up as an experience, and quietly walk away from the stage.  He said that people had no interest in hearing the fact that I had a boyfriend in law school, that I loved performing on stage, and that I couldn’t wait to do another show.  In other words, they didn’t care about me, want to hear anything about me, and in all honestly – wanted me to go away…….FAR AWAY!  I had no idea what he was talking about, and couldn’t understand what he was saying.  How could I be having so much fun, and everyone around me wanted me to burn in hell??  I didn’t have to courage to say anything – so I held in the tears until I could get to a quiet place and cry.  If what he was saying were true, there would be nobody at the theater to wipe away my tears, so why bother??

I know now that he was a puppet, serving as a mouthpiece for a couple of very jealous/bitchy/hateful older dancers who were seeing their years of backing up leads while they waited for their moment in the spotlight, potentially lost to a 25-year-old, overly ambitious, oblivious, community theatre hack.  “Nobody” – was code for about 2-3 jealous women that didn’t want any more competition, and “walk away” – was code for get the HELL off my stage.  JESUS PEOPLE, this is community theater!!!  We aren’t on Broadway, and we weren’t getting paid to take this type of shit!  We were supposed to be having fun and entertaining audience members with our talents, and instead I learned that there is a minority of folks who would prefer tearing people down, as opposed to working together toward a common goal.  Sadly, we all see much of this in life, right??

Anyway – I didn’t walk away from the stage.  On the contrary – I started studying voice, and honing my craft so I could arm myself with all the tools I needed to succeed on whatever stage I was talented enough to perform on.  In my later years – it was even on a paid, professional stage!  Was it out of spite, or the true love for theater…..probably a bit of both if I am being candidly honest?  However – I took those words to heart, and unfortunately, not in a good way.  The word “I” is very difficult for me.  In speaking about experiences and opportunities, I never wanted the message to be misunderstood.  Life was no longer about “me” per se’, it was making sure it WASN’T about me.

The harsh reality is, that conversation has negatively impacted my relationships since.  It has taken me 20 years, but through many conversations and this very long blog, I am realizing that I spend way too much time worry about what makes the man I am dating happy, and not asking myself what makes me happy.  Don’t get me wrong – there is no doubt a two-way street should exist in every relationship, friendship, etc. – but I have lost the ability to find the happy balance.  That conversation in the car with that young man over 20 years ago enabled me to lose sight of what I need and want.  There – I said it….I, me, myself!!  It isn’t meant to be selfish – yet protecting my feelings, emotions and heart.

So – there you have it.  That is my epiphany.  My long winded realization of why the execution of my January blog is so difficult, and it has taken me 20 years to “get” it.  What does this mean for the FrogBlog??  It means that I am still going to share my sorted dating stories, and experiences.  I am still going (hopefully) to make people laugh. However, it also means that I am going to take ownership of how I handle my relationships.  Because you know what??  At the end of the day – this IS ABOUT ME!!  Nobody else.  There is no jealous dancer out there thinking about my happiness.  There is no cheating ex-boyfriend worrying about how I am doing.  There is only me, and those that love me that I need to worry about. WOW, those were very challenging, yet beautiful, and empowering words to say……..really beautiful 🙂

Who knew that dating, theater and a 17 year-old puppet of a boy could have changed my life in a way I never thought possible.  However – it is funny how the world has a way of throwing zingers that we didn’t expect our direction.

I ask that you, as my readers help me hold myself accountable for my actions.  I am certainly going to try – but default behaviors are hard to break.  This post was a respite from the snarky humor that I usually write with, but it was something I needed/wanted to share in order to bring this full circle when I actually have funny, romantic, positive dating stories to write about.  They will come – I have no doubt about it.  They just may come in a time least expected, and in a form/fashion yet to be dreamed of.  Until then, let the dating mayhem ensue, and I will continue to be,

Cynically, Optimistic………

Happy 2014 (a few weeks late).  I know I said that this blog would be funny, and it typically is.  However – I also said it would be real, raw and candid – and in this case, my blog entry certainly fits!

Over the better part of my adult dating life, I have accepted far less that I would EVER allow my friends to accept in a relationship.  Yet, I have not given myself the credit that I deserve as a woman with value, brains, personality and worth.  I have allowed myself to be walked all over, and sadly – felt that “that is the best I can do”, or “nothing is wrong, because he treats me well sometimes”. Now – don’t get me wrong, I have never been physically abused in a relationship – just emotionally taken advantage of.  Yet, that is not the fault of the guys I have dated – it is mine.  The responsibility falls squarely on my shoulders for allowing it.  I have spent the last 25 years allowing what I would coin as “bad behavior”, and up until now – I have been too blind to see it.

Several years ago – I took a class about living intentionally.  It absolutely changed my life.  What I learned about myself and others was so powerful. I have applied much of what I learned in so many aspects of my life (work, friendships, family, finances).  Yet – I find that I have fallen back into what is known as a default behavior in how I date.  I don’t know why when it comes to dating – I have absolutely no confidence in me, or my value.

I have heard it from so many friends before, but haven’t really taken it to heart. They have said the words, but in trying not to hurt me, they have walked delicately down that road.  I have now  met someone in Baltimore that loves me enough to finally call me out on my shit!  ALL OF IT‼  She spells it out in black and white – and despite many efforts from my friends in the past, now it is finally starting to sink in…….I deserve far more than the bull-shit I have allowed over the years.  I am worth more than being someone to pass the time with, or someone to simply hang out with until something better comes along.  Hell no‼

All of this being said, I have come up with a list of things I am “done with” regarding my dating life.  These are things – some funny, some sad – yet all real that I have allowed to happen in the past.  No more!  Here we go, in no particular order:

• If you can’t be seen with me at local events due to your ex-girlfriend attending  – I am not interested in dating you.
• If you would rather me stay at home to clean, cook and look pretty rather than be a strong powerful women in our community and in my profession – I am not interested in dating you.
• If you would rather defend your ex-wife/ex-girlfriend to your friends and family rather than support me as your current girlfriend – I am not interested in dating you.
• To that point, if you can’t call me your girlfriend after we have entered into an exclusive, physical relationship – I am not interested in dating you.
• If you can’t stay at my place at least half as often as I stay at yours, because it is too loud, too small, or you are simply just a selfish prick – I am not interested in dating you.
• If you can’t commit to our next date within 48 hours of it actually happening – I am not interested in dating you.
• If you are too bitter about your ex, to see that there is an amazing woman standing right in front of you – I am not interested in dating you.
• If you can’t drive an extra block to pick me up, rather you ask me to walk to the Whole Foods for you to get me – I am not interested in dating you.
• If you can’t pick up the phone and have a conversation with me, as opposed to having a “text relationship” – I am not interested in dating you.
• If you can’t introduce me to your friends, family and children after a significant and realistic amount of time – I am not interested in dating you.
• If you will not “allow” me to post a picture of us on Facebook because it might indicate we are together – I am not interested in dating you.
• If you are not interested in meeting my family or friends (after several months) because it may mean we are “getting too serious” –I am not interested in dating you.
• If you can only talk down to me, rather than have a conversation WITH me – I am not interested in dating you.
• If you are embarrassed by the fact I am from West Virginia and you feel I may not be sophisticated enough for you or your family  – I am not interested in dating you.

So – there you have it.  There are more – but I tried to not bore you with all of my sorted dating shenanigans!  I have allowed myself to put up with a lot of shit over the last 25 years, and the buck stops here.  As I said – my fault because I was too insecure to see the writing on the wall.  There is a book and a movie that spells it out very clearly…..”He is just NOT that into you.”  Why I have not valued myself enough to see that – and turn the tables –  I will never know.  Yet, I do know that in 2014, I am taking the bull by the horns, and making some changes.

This certainly doesn’t mean that I won’t go on my share of bad dates – because I am sure I will.  I also know that I still have volumes of funny and  comical content for future blogs – so never fear 🙂  I have just learned to trust myself, and love myself enough to know my worth in a relationship.  I am hoping that when the time is right – there will be wonderful man that sees that too!  Until then – I surround myself with amazing friends and family – and continue to always be,

Cynically, Optimistic………..

I have blogged about my initial “it’s Just Lunch” experience, and hope it provided some humor for everyone!  Since I only had three dates, and you have heard of the first two, I figured – why not come full circle and close this particularly horrible dating chapter for good!

After complaining to the company about their inability to give me a suitable match on the first two attempts – I was concerned about their ability to find a quality man on their third try.  I was surprised when I showed up to meet this gentleman – he was everything they said he would be.  Tall, salt and pepper hair, fit and handsome.  What they failed to mention – yet was a terribly sexy surprise – was that he had an accent.  Hans was from Denmark.  He had lived in the states for years, and was college educated at University of Southern California.  Yet, the accent had stuck – and thank God it did, because to hear him speak was like a little slice heaven!!

Our relationship started slow, and stayed that course for quite some time.  I was OK with that for a couple of reasons 1) He was the President of a major trucking company, and was gone most week days – so we talked more than we saw each other, and 2) I have never been one to move too quickly, so was OK with the course on which the relationship was going.  When together, we spent a lot of time golfing, cooking dinner at home, going to movies, wine tastings, etc.   He was charming, a little nerdy, and very sweet and romantic.  I loved spending time with him, and was usually sad when our dates ended.

Hans never gave me reason to not trust him, even though he was gone much of the time.  I had met friends and neighbors, and on occasions spoke with his brother on the phone (he lived in Chicago).  We spent the fourth of July at the Biltmore Hotel and Estate in Ashville, NC and had an amazing time.  Things really seemed to be going well – and I had some hope that this could actually progress into something more serious.

A few weeks later, my father’s health was declining rapidly, and we knew the end was near (I know – I said these would be light hearted and funny – I promise, it will get there).  He was over for dinner, and although we both made a promise to put our phones aside when we were together (those who know me well, know – that is some serious shit for me to do) I explained that dad wasn’t doing well, and I was keeping my phone close for obvious reasons.  The night was great as usual, and the phone never rang.  He was leaving the next day for a camping trip with the boys, and let me know that he would not really be looking at his phone very often.  NOW – I know that wasn’t possible 100% because with his business, he couldn’t be away from it for days at a time.  However – I promised I would respect his “dude time” and would talk to him when he got back unless there was an “emergency”.

The next day – the call I dreaded my whole life came through.  My mom said “Evie, it is time” and I knew I only had hours to get home before my father passed.  He died a few short hours after I got to Charleston, but I was able to say goodbye, look in his deep blue eyes and tell him I loved him and wish him one final Happy Birthday here on earth.  Needless to say – It was an emotional day – and although I didn’t want to interrupt “dude time” – I did shoot him a text.  You see, his father had passed five years before, and he didn’t make it home in time to say goodbye – which haunts him to this day.  I didn’t say exactly what had happened – but I said it was important, and would love to hear from him when he had a minute.  Crickets through the night.  The next day – I text again – and AGAIN – no response.  The week passed, and quite frankly – my family time had become more important than hearing from him.  We buried dad on Thursday, and on Friday – I was met with a phone call saying something like “hey babe, what is up?  Saw you text – but you knew I was away with the boys.  Anything exciting happen while I was gone?”  CHRIST – are you kidding me??  What part of “it is important” didn’t he get?  I was so upset!  His attitude was quite cavalier, and I questioned whether I wanted someone in my life who wasn’t available during, or sympathetic to, what had just gone through – yet I stayed.  In the words of Julie Roberts in Pretty Woman…Big mistake, Big…..HUGE!

So now we get to the funny part.  A few months later, he invites me to his friends’ house  (a friend I had yet to meet) for a pool party.  It was a beautiful day in Charlotte; we sat around the pool, drank wine, enjoyed a leisurely Sunday and took in the moment.  There were about 10 of us there, and one by one, people started to leave.  Steen (his Danish friend) asked us to stay for dinner, so we did.  He cooked, and Hans and I sat in the kitchen and talked with him during the preparation.  Dinner was lovely, and after a long day in the sun, it was getting late, and time to go home.  Because it was so late, and he had to fly out the next morning, Hans went to his house and I went to mine.  We kissed goodnight, and parted ways.  About 30 minutes later, I get a text.  I assumed it was Hans saying goodnight before bed.  NOT SO MUCH!  It was a text from a number I didn’t recognize.  The text read – “thanks for hanging out today.  I would like to know you better.  Hope we can make that happen.  Steen”  Um, WTF???  I text Hans and he said that Steen had asked for my number, and he gave it to him.  When I told him what he said, he just brushed it off – so for some crazy reason, I did as well. 

The next weekend – Hans went out with the boys, and I stayed in.  I got a text from Steen saying “Come out”.  When I said I was perfectly comfortable on my couch, watching Dateline NBC in my PJ’s – he responded with “apparently you aren’t as much fun as Hans says you were”.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME??  What the hell is going one here??  The next day – I called Hans to let him know that his friend was acting inappropriately.  To my complete and utter dismay – he was not upset.  Quite the opposite!!  He actually told me, that he thinks that Steen and I would be good together and I was more that willing to go out with him if I wanted to.  Now, I am not from Denmark.  Nor, do I know the dating culture there.  However – whether he wanted to have an open relationship, or simply pass me off to the next Dane in the group – I will never know.  Suffice it to say – that relationship died on the vine that evening!

I spent the next several weeks researching the culture to see what I was missing, and if anything for me was “Lost in Translation”, but came up short on answers.  Guess I will just chalk this experience up to anther crazy story in my dating life, and a life lesson.  Although I would never rule out ever dating a man from another country, as I still find that completely sexy…….. right now, I am perfectly happy with someone who bears the stamp “Made in America” 🙂

Cynically, Optimistic………

Hello Frogblog subscribers!  Sorry for the delay in posting.  As I promised, this blog is intended to be whimsical and lighthearted, and since I have been in a little bit of a negative head space regarding dating and relationships recently – I felt it best to wait until I could yet again find the humor in my adventures.  Well – I am back, so let the composing begin!!

As many of you know, and have read – I have had some seriously crazy first date stories.  Quite frankly, I think I have a higher percentage than the norm.  I always wanted to be in a high percentile of something – just preferably, not failed first dates.  However – I guess I will take what I can get!

When I moved to Baltimore, I decided to sign up for Match.com.  I had been on for a brief period of time while living in Charlotte, but I had little success.  However – I am NOT a quitter, so I figured, what the heck?  As expected, I received the barrage of crazy e-mails and winks from 20 something’s, 70 something’s and just plain all out freaks.  Yet – I was surprised that Baltimore had a much greater amount of what appeared to be normal, professionally successful men.  I received an e-mail from a man whose user name was “Rockwell” something or another.  From his pics, he had an attractive face, but his head was covered in every pic, so I couldn’t tell if he had hair.  He didn’t smoke, was college educated, and seemed to be a well -rounded member of society.  THEN – I saw the marital status.  I DO realize that in Maryland you have to be legally separated for one calendar year prior to filing for divorce – but the concept of dating a “technically”married man freaked me out a bit.  I didn’t want to be rebound girl, or the one that got to hear all about their shitty divorce proceedings, or the one that wasn’t quite good enough, because I happened to be “next”.  I had already established a “no currently separated” rule, and ignored his e-mail.

Shortly after signing on, I met someone, and entered into a five-month relationship that I thought could possibly go somewhere.  Unfortunately – it didn’t.  I took a few months to lick my wounds, and prepare myself for re-entering the dating world, and signed back on again.  This time – the same sundry of men were on the site.  Some old, some new – yet, all with similar personas.  And then, I received another e-mail from “Rockwell”.  His status was still currently separated, thus no response from me.  Again – shortly thereafter – I met someone and started dating him for about four months.  Funny thing – he was also currently separated, but the divorce was eminent within weeks (so I thought) – and I gave it a shot, because quite frankly – he was an attractive man that I was terribly intrigued by.  Well – that relationship ended, and I was left deciding if I wanted to go back on Match……. again.

Thanks (or maybe not) to a very good friend of mine; in an evening with too much wine involved – and a saved password on her iPad – she had signed me back up for Match without me knowing what had happened.  This time, I met someone, and dated him for a couple of months – but that relationship turned south fast a furiously (possibly a future blog post – not sure).  Regardless, my membership didn’t expire during this time, so I logged back on to see what I had missed during those few months.  JESUS – I missed a lot.  In the list of e-mails from a various cast of characters – an e-mail from “Rockwell” awaited me.  I was sitting with the same friend who signed me back up, and we were enjoying a cup of coffee after a trail run.  “Rockwell” was still “currently separated”, but now it had been a year and a half since he first e-mailed me, so there had to be a story!  She encouraged me to reach out to at least enquire about the separation and the timeline for divorce.  Fair enough!  The answer he provided made sense, and I took a leap of faith, and said I would meet him.

Our date was set, and I walked to the restaurant where we were meeting.  I arrived first, and took my place at the bar.  When “Rockwell” arrived  (his name is John)– I saw what I sadly expected.  He was shorter than he said he was, and not a stitch of hair was on his shiny bald head.  Again, not unattractive – but not my type at all.  We sat in the lounge, and ordered a drink.  Now mind you – I knew that there wasn’t going to be physical chemistry – but thought he would be a nice person to know around town.  Son – of – a – bitch, I had no idea what I was in for.

John started to tell me about his kids, and work and the usual first date chatter.  He asked me questions, and I asked him some as well.  Then the zinger hit!!  I asked him why he and his wife were divorcing.  The answer I received caused me to fall to the floor – almost literally!  He told me that he and his ex had both cheated.  Although I don’t approved of, nor do I agree with infidelity, I knew I wasn’t going to have interest in dating him, so I kept listening.  THEN – he told me what I couldn’t have begun to make up.  They had brought a third party into their marriage, and they both started having individual relationships with said third woman!  HOLY FREAKIN’ SHIT!  I was NOT prepared for that.  I have heard a LOT of things in my life – but never anyone who had a three-some!  Well, suffice it to say – there really wasn’t much for me to add to the conversation, and I was ready to leave.

We walked out, and I started to go my direction, and he went his.  I was hoping I would never hear from him again, but no such luck!  I received several texts and calls from him asking to get together again, and talking to me about some crazy things regarding religion – WTF??  I sent him a text, kindly saying that although I though he was a nice(ish) guy – I wasn’t interested in taking it to the next level.  Excerpts from some of the texts are below. (1. Because they are humorous and 2. It tells some of the jacked-up story without having to type pages of potentially boring dialogue.) Happy reading his crazy-ass messages 🙂 Suffice it to say – I can put up with a LOT in a relationship, and I am willing to look over a lot of red flags in a first date – but this one took the cake!!  They always say that the third time is a charm – but being the third person in a relationship – is really NOT all that charming!!

Well – here I am, single with no real options on the horizon.  However – this mildly claustrophobic girl is not willing to be in an overly crowded relationship!  Back to the drawing board, and onwards and upwards……….. to a traditional TWO person dating situation!

Cynically Optimistic…………………….

As I quickly approach my 45^th birthday, I feel an overwhelming sense of angst and anxiety surrounding my life.  As I started to think about my next blog post, I wasn’t sure what to write.  This past weekend provided some potentially interesting content – but it will have to be delicately crafted – thus it must wait for another time.  So – I have decided to resurrect something ”from the vault”.

I had been in Charlotte about year, and decided to test the dating waters in the south.  I was scared to try on-line dating, and wasn’t sure that meeting someone “organically” was going to happen.  While I was on an airplane – I saw an ad for “It’s Just Lunch”.  Seeing as I am in marketing, I should know that the art of “casting a wide net” advertising to target a specific niche is not a very solid strategy.  However – I was caught up in the “gimmick” of the whole thing and decided to explore it.

The way the process works is this:  after a very detailed interview, you get paired with someone they feel you are compatible with, and then you meet at a mutually agreed upon location.  The date is to be Dutch, unless one of the parties chooses to pay for the entire bill.  If you are interested, you exchange business cards, and if not, you don’t.  In this format, there is no way of being contacted without the service intervening.

Sounds easy enough.  So – I paid my money and decided to give it the old college try.  My first date was a bust.  Not because he wasn’t a nice man………he was.  However – we were on polar opposite ends of the spectrum with what we were looking for in a relationship.  When I asked the service if they need me to be more specific regarding my “parameters’, I was assured that the next one would be better.  I was told that he was tall, blonde, All- American, successful, fit, etc.  Sounds perfect, right??  Well hardly, so now I have a hilarious story that will stand the test of time.

I head to the restaurant for our lunch date at 1:00 pm.  I was the first to arrive, so I sat at the bar to watch some football.  About three minutes later I hear a voice behind me say, “Are you Evie?”  I turned around and almost said “Oh HELL no?”  However – my sweet, charming newly minted southern self wouldn’t allow that.  What I saw standing in front on me was far from what they described.  The hair he had left on his head was not blonde, but grey.  His polyester shirt gently grazed his burgeoning beer belly, and when he smiled, I noticed he did have all of his teeth, but one of them was black and dead…..lovely!

We sat down to order, and I chose the fastest easiest thing on the menu.  We started to talk about the routine “get to know you things”, and he said that his name was Randy, he was an engineer for Duke Energy, and he had a 12 year old daughter.  I asked him about his daughter, and she seemed to be completely normal.  Cute, smart, close to both parents, etc.  Then he told me that she was working on a history project, and she was doing in on Hitler.  Yep – good ole’ Adolph.  I asked if she was doing her history project on Hitler because is was a terrible, awful dictator who lead the charge to exterminate 6 million Jews, and she simply wanted to use this as a platform to educate her generation of how deplorable he was.  To my dismay, he said, “no, she thinks he is cool.”  COOL??  There is absolutely nothing cool about Hitler.  There I was, a little Jewish girl sitting across the table from a bald, fat Nazi supporter.  Dear lord!!

The waiter came and asked if we needed anything else.  I quickly said no, and asked for our checks.  Yes – two separate forms of payment.  There was no way I wanted him to think that he would pay the check and get to ask me out again.  Oh HELLZ no.  While we were waiting for the bills to arrive, he handed me his Duke Energy business card.  I did not offer mine.  Easy enough – I thought this otherwise perfectly terrible date was almost over. But wait, there is more.  He then reaches into his pocket and pulls out another “business card”.  It was a yellow piece of construction paper with purple writing.  You know, the kind of business card we used to make on our own printer with the little grid lines you used to cut them out??  It had a picture of a rocket on one side, and a UFO with a little waving Martian inside on the other.  In the bottom it said: Randy Kerr……Sponsor – UFO Rocket Club (photo attached.) Seriously??  I am on a date with a Nazi loving, UFO enthusiast!!   I was convinced I was being punked.   I waited for the cameras and Ashton Kutcher to jump out of the kitchen, but they didn’t.  Sadly, this was for real.

We paid our tab, and since I didn’t extend my business card, I never heard from him again.  As I drove home, I called my mom in tears.  Some were out of complete despair that it could not get any worse (trust me, it has), and some because the story was so insanely unbelievable.  As I hit the remote to open my garage, and hung up with my mom, I noticed the clock…..it was 1:45.  Yes, on that sunny Saturday afternoon in Charlotte, I was jettisoned to the moon and back in a mere 45 minutes.  People always tell me that God has a plan.  I still don’t know what it is, but I am quite sure it is meant to happen here, on planet  earth.

Cynically Optimistic………

So – I really thought my first post would be something from several years ago.  I had played out how I would tell the story many times in my mind – because it is unbelievable. Yet, after the events of the past week – I figured I should just go with something more current for now.  I think I have pretty thick skin, and a sly sense of humor when it comes to my romantic failures – but the last several days presented content that was a whole lot for anyone to digest.

The week started off with running across of photo on Facebook of a man I dated several months ago.  We stayed friends both in real life, and in our “cyber” lives, because quite frankly, our parting was very cordial, and mutual.  The break-up happened because he finally admitted to me that he wasn’t ready to date, and needed to focus his time on his new home, his career, and his children.  He said he was being “selfish”, and I respected that decision.  Little was I to know that was simply code for “Instead of dating you – I want to date someone else” – ugh :-(.

Now comes the weekend.  I was so excited, because I had tickets to both the WVU game, and the Ravens game.  I was going to enjoy tailgating and game watching with a very dear friend for both, and I was going to see people from college that I hadn’t seen in years.  Football, friends and reunions!  How could this fun filled weekend hit a snag you might ask?  Well……………

…..for starters, I was hit on by two different men (ah hem, boys) who were in their late 20’s. They clearly know my age because we have mutual friends.  Trust me – they are both handsome, successful, very nice men.  20 years ago – I would have been doing the happy dance.  Yet as I find myself closer to receiving my AARP card, than I am being a sorority girl, I had to pass……..I know, shocking!  Being a cougar is just NOT how this girl rolls.

Then – I had the pleasure of meeting not one, but TWO ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend’s.  Regardless of the length of the relationship, or the distance of time since the break-up happened, it is never on the list of the “TOP 10” things I want to do.  Regardless – it happened, and my internal organs are still a little tender from the kick in the gut I took seeing that someone I cared for is happier with someone else.  YES – it happens to many, but to see it right in front of my face made in real.  However – it also allowed me reflect on the fact that those relationships didn’t work for a reason.  Not their fault, not mine – just life and timing.  Thus – I am now given a fresh slate to wake up every morning with the hope that something wonderful is just around the corner 🙂

The experiences of the past week have not only taught me that I am stronger than I give myself credit for, it also reminded me that I have some very dear and amazing friends that have been on this crazy ride with me, and will never let me forget all the good that life has to offer.

As Kelly Clarkson (oh yeah, and Friedrich Nietzsche) said: “What Doesn’t Kill You, Makes You Stronger”.  That being the case – I should be strong enough to lift a house off of a striped sock witch!!

Cynically Optimistic……..

Welcome to my frogblog!

I have always kept a journal, or written pros, as a way to express my feelings.  I have found it at times to be therapeutic and cathartic.  Additionally – those who I am closest to, know that I have always been on open book when it comes to my life’s adventures – good or bad.  Many have said I should write a book, because quite frankly – the stories I share, in most cases, are truly unbelievable!

I sit here a month shy of my 45^th birthday, and I am so thankful for the opportunities that I have been blessed with in my life. I have relocated twice, and have been embraced by amazing, lifelong friends along the way (not to mention the one’s I left West Virginia with).  I have a thriving career that continues to get better year after year. I have been able to live out a dream of performing on stage, in roles that many only dream of playing.  I have a loving (albeit crazy at times) family that loves and supports me.  I am healthy, happy and enjoy the little thing in my life that many take for granted in their own.

However – I would be lying if I said that my life is 100% complete (insert Jerry McGuire flashback).  I never thought I would be here, at this age, still single and not a mother.  Those that know me well – know that being a mother was what I was put on this earth to do.  However – as the years have passed – I have had to accept the sad reality that being a mother (at least in the biological sense) is probably something that is not in the cards for me.  I have also accepted the fact that although I have had a few loving, long-term relationships, they never materialized into anything more. Thus, I am where I am today!

LUCKY YOU, as the readers of my blog!!  This is a candid, open, honest and quite frankly – comical forum for me to share my experiences.  I am not lying when I say, “you can’t make this shit up”.  I have been on Match, E-harmony and OK Cupid.  I have tried “It’s Just Lunch”, and I even met with a Yenta when I lived in Charlotte (yes – I know that is an oxymoron – Yenta….Charlotte…..the south……whatever!!).  I have stories that have brought me to tears, yet have made me laugh uncontrollably at the fact they even happened – and even better – they happened to me 🙂

Nothing that I write is meant to be sad, depressing or negative.  It is all meant to be an anecdotal fun and whimsical journal through my crazy-ass dating adventures.   The content will be real, raw, biting and honest.  Selfishly, this is my personal forum of expression.  However – my hope is that if any of you can learn from my experiences, laugh at my expense, or simply marvel at the stories of a 45 year old career professional just trying to find her prince charming in this effed up world – then I have accomplished what I set out to do.

I don’t know how often I will post, as this is all new to me.  However – it is my forum for expression, and I hope you enjoy!

Now – I need to sit down and think about what crazy story to share in my first “official” post.  There is so much content in my brain – I need to just let it come out through my keyboard, and into the eyes of the reader.

I hope you have an appetite for the crazy adventures I am about to share!  Until my next post!

Cynically, optimistic………..