Greetings, readers!!   First, let me apologize for the time between posts.  I know it has been a while, but that is because I have been doing a lot of thinking about what direction, if any I wanted to take this blog.  I posted in January about the things that I was “done with”.  That was the easy part.  Now, I have been spending a great deal of time thinking about the direction I need to take my dating life with regards to the following:

• Owning my actions
• Managing expectations
• Communication regarding what I need/want
• Trusting the process/person
• Walking away when it isn’t right

All of these make up the difficult part.  It is very easy to know what one expects out of a situation, but actually executing on those actions are far more challenging than I expected.  Also – I promised at the beginning I would be raw, biting and candid with my experiences.  I want to stay true to that without losing the humor I intended these blog to possess.

However, writing this post has come with great angst, as I constantly worry about how my words are perceived, and how my stories are judged.  Since I have taken long enough to gain the courage to compose this in my head, I guess I should now put the words on the proverbial paper.   Please know that this wasn’t easy, as this is bringing up a past experience that left me a bit vulnerable with my words/actions this many years later.

I am going to take a little tangent from my funny dating shenanigans. Please indulge me, as the realization I am about to share has helped me understand a lot of my past dating behavior (as well as the actions that surround my friendships, professional relationships and familial interactions), and will hopefully be cathartic in my sharing.  It is a little dark and heavy – so take note.

As many of you know, I am a theater geek.  This minor “obsession” began late in life.  Unlike many of those that walk the boards, I didn’t audition for my first show until I was 25.  I was dating my first true love at the time, and he was in law school three hours away.  I was fresh out of graduate school and all my high school friends had moved away from home.  My life consisted of working during the week, and counting down the hours until Friday when I could spend the weekend with him.  As he was in school, he told me that if we were to spend time together, it would require me to make the trek to Lexington, Virginia every Friday, and return home every Sunday.  I loved this man very much, and didn’t view it as a sacrifice – rather an opportunity to spend any time with him regardless of what a toll it could be taking on me (perhaps, this is where the pattern of accepting less than stellar behavior began).

Anyway – 18 months into the routine, I saw an audition notice in our local paper for a show.  They needed trained dancers, and I had spent the better part of my life doing just that……dancing!   I needed something other than work and driving to see a boyfriend who couldn’t find the time to ever drive to see me.  Long story short – I auditioned, I was cast, and the beginning of my 15+ years on the stage began.  However – it didn’t come easy.  Rather, it came at quite a hefty price, as a conversation that happen toward the end of my very first show, I am now realizing, has dramatically altered the course of many elements of my life.

As the show was wrapping up, I was filled with the emotions of closing a show – not realizing there would be another one just around the corner.  I was convinced that I had just had one of the most amazing experiences life had to offer.  There was a young man (17 years old I believe) who lived far enough away from the theater that walking there was not easy for him.  I would pick him up every day and take him to rehearsal. Following rehearsal, I would take him home.  I never thought anything about it, aside from being a kind gesture for someone who needed some help.  In my blind oblivion of loving every minute on the stage/in rehearsals, and thinking I had just made an amazing new group of friends – I was shocked to have had a conversation with this young man – that will haunt me until the day I die.  It was this moment in time I realized that people aren’t all kind and nice, dancers can be bitter and caddy, and the words of one person can hurt more that I ever thought imaginable.

What this young man said to me on that drive to the theater was this:  He asked if I was enjoying the show.  When I told him that I was having the time I my life, and couldn’t wait for the next show to come – he quickly told me that nobody liked me (quite frankly they hated me), that it was in my best interest to chalk this up as an experience, and quietly walk away from the stage.  He said that people had no interest in hearing the fact that I had a boyfriend in law school, that I loved performing on stage, and that I couldn’t wait to do another show.  In other words, they didn’t care about me, want to hear anything about me, and in all honestly – wanted me to go away…….FAR AWAY!  I had no idea what he was talking about, and couldn’t understand what he was saying.  How could I be having so much fun, and everyone around me wanted me to burn in hell??  I didn’t have to courage to say anything – so I held in the tears until I could get to a quiet place and cry.  If what he was saying were true, there would be nobody at the theater to wipe away my tears, so why bother??

I know now that he was a puppet, serving as a mouthpiece for a couple of very jealous/bitchy/hateful older dancers who were seeing their years of backing up leads while they waited for their moment in the spotlight, potentially lost to a 25-year-old, overly ambitious, oblivious, community theatre hack.  “Nobody” – was code for about 2-3 jealous women that didn’t want any more competition, and “walk away” – was code for get the HELL off my stage.  JESUS PEOPLE, this is community theater!!!  We aren’t on Broadway, and we weren’t getting paid to take this type of shit!  We were supposed to be having fun and entertaining audience members with our talents, and instead I learned that there is a minority of folks who would prefer tearing people down, as opposed to working together toward a common goal.  Sadly, we all see much of this in life, right??

Anyway – I didn’t walk away from the stage.  On the contrary – I started studying voice, and honing my craft so I could arm myself with all the tools I needed to succeed on whatever stage I was talented enough to perform on.  In my later years – it was even on a paid, professional stage!  Was it out of spite, or the true love for theater…..probably a bit of both if I am being candidly honest?  However – I took those words to heart, and unfortunately, not in a good way.  The word “I” is very difficult for me.  In speaking about experiences and opportunities, I never wanted the message to be misunderstood.  Life was no longer about “me” per se’, it was making sure it WASN’T about me.

The harsh reality is, that conversation has negatively impacted my relationships since.  It has taken me 20 years, but through many conversations and this very long blog, I am realizing that I spend way too much time worry about what makes the man I am dating happy, and not asking myself what makes me happy.  Don’t get me wrong – there is no doubt a two-way street should exist in every relationship, friendship, etc. – but I have lost the ability to find the happy balance.  That conversation in the car with that young man over 20 years ago enabled me to lose sight of what I need and want.  There – I said it….I, me, myself!!  It isn’t meant to be selfish – yet protecting my feelings, emotions and heart.

So – there you have it.  That is my epiphany.  My long winded realization of why the execution of my January blog is so difficult, and it has taken me 20 years to “get” it.  What does this mean for the FrogBlog??  It means that I am still going to share my sorted dating stories, and experiences.  I am still going (hopefully) to make people laugh. However, it also means that I am going to take ownership of how I handle my relationships.  Because you know what??  At the end of the day – this IS ABOUT ME!!  Nobody else.  There is no jealous dancer out there thinking about my happiness.  There is no cheating ex-boyfriend worrying about how I am doing.  There is only me, and those that love me that I need to worry about. WOW, those were very challenging, yet beautiful, and empowering words to say……..really beautiful 🙂

Who knew that dating, theater and a 17 year-old puppet of a boy could have changed my life in a way I never thought possible.  However – it is funny how the world has a way of throwing zingers that we didn’t expect our direction.

I ask that you, as my readers help me hold myself accountable for my actions.  I am certainly going to try – but default behaviors are hard to break.  This post was a respite from the snarky humor that I usually write with, but it was something I needed/wanted to share in order to bring this full circle when I actually have funny, romantic, positive dating stories to write about.  They will come – I have no doubt about it.  They just may come in a time least expected, and in a form/fashion yet to be dreamed of.  Until then, let the dating mayhem ensue, and I will continue to be,

Cynically, Optimistic………